Archive for the 'Life' Category

A Small Victory

dd June 12th, 2007

When we renovated our house 7 years ago, the doors upstairs were fitted with new door knobs that you can lock from the inside by pushing a button. You know the kind - they’re all over the place. Occasionally, especially when Angelina has come to clean our house, the lock button gets depressed by mistake and when I close our bedroom door to keep Jake (our beloved hybrid retriever) out, I unknowlingly lock the door. The problem of course is that there is no one inside the room to unlock it.

Our builder left us a small circular tool for just such exigencies that theoretically can be used to unlock the mechanism through a small hole in the outer knob (see picture). However, I have never been able to figure out how to use this maddening little thing to actually open the door from the outside.  My wife seems to have the knack, but today I accidentally locked myself out of the bedroom and my wife was not home. And, I had to get into the room to get my car keys and I had to do it fast or I would be late to my already rescheduled P.T. appointment.

So, I first found the little tool (btw, does anyone know what it is called?) and decided to give it a try. This time, however, I moved slowly and calmly about the task. And, good golly miss molly, the door opened! How had I managed to do it this time after failing on so many previous occasions? Was it the fear of missing my appointment that made my hands work effectively? Was it the inner calm after 3 days at the beach? Or, was it just blind luck? I really don’t know, but I think I’ll will no longer feel helpless if it happens again. One of life’s little victories is still as sweet.

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Talking Pool at the Fish Counter

dd June 1st, 2007

Scene from The Hustler

Yesterday at my local Whole Foods, I stopped at the fish counter where I overheard the customer before me wishing the “fish man” good luck in his upcoming competition. In the past, I probably wouldn’t have followed up on this, but lately I seem to be more and more anxious to engage people in conversation and I was curious. I’ve also been served by his guy many times and was curious about other aspects of his life. So, when it was my turn, I had to ask:

“So, what kind of competition are you involved in?”
“Straight pool. I’m entered in a Maryland tournament and if I finish 1st or 2nd, I’ll qualify for the national tournament.”
“Think you’re good enough to do that?”
“Oh yeah, I’m a pretty good player. In New York City, I played for many years starting in 1964 until about 1980. I stopped playing for 17 years, but took it up again a few years ago. I walked into a bar in Clarendon that had a pool table and thought ‘what the hell’, let me play a few games. I beat the pants off everyone there and started my ‘comeback’. You know who taught me how to play?”
“No idea.”
“Willie Mosconi! Ever heard of him?”
“Of course - he was the greatest straight pool player that ever lived. He did all the pool shots in the ‘Hustler’. That’s still my favorite movie.”
“Not only did he do all the playing, it’s his hands you see racking the balls.”
….
“Hey, best of luck in the tournament”.
“Thanks, buddy.”

I loved this chance encounter and dialogue for a couple of reasons. The Fish guy was no longer just some anonymous employee. He was a very cool guy.

And, I loved talking to him about pool. In my early 20’s, I loved playing pool. In fact (don’t tell any of my relatives), I spent the majority of my sophomore year at the student union playing straight pool, 8 ball, 9 ball, and snooker. I was a pretty good shot, so snooker was my favorite. And, along with my friend Tom Parker, I went to several pool tournaments in the Detroit area. I saw Minnesota Fats (Rudolph Walter Wanderone Jr - he adopted the name after the movie). He turned out to be a good talker, but not that great a pool player. I also saw Luther (Wimpy)Lassiter and Irving Crane, 2 U.S. champions play. They were the real deal. I even had my own “stick” - bought if off a guy I worked with on a summer job with the Mich. State Highway Dept.

This chance encounter brought back a lot of good memories. Good luck, Fish Man!!

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Mom Keeps Fighting!

dd May 26th, 2007

I’m back from my trip to Detroit to look after my 92 year old mom. It was a busy week and the next few posts will focus on different aspects. But, first here’s an update on my mom. She’s a tough one. Over the last 4 months she’s had to battle congestive heart failure, back fractures and a pretty severe stomach ulcer. Right now, she’s at a good nursing/convalescent center. So, here’s what I found and what I accomplished last week:

  • I immediately discovered that medicare would stop paying for her therapy not on 5/24 as I had been told but a week later on 5/31. That was welcome news. But, the question remained what then?
  • My mom had made some progress in the last few days. With her walker, she was now able to walk from her bed to the bathroom and back. And, she was able to dress herself. These were major improvements. However, she has very little stamina and she got quite tired after these short exertions.
  • She is taking medications for her heart, for the build up of fluids in her ankles and lungs, for the ulcer, for high blood pressure and for pain in her back.
  • This one took me totally by surprise - she seems to now have a short term memory loss. She’d ask me something and ask the identical question 2 hours later. Whether this is the result of stress, worry, disorientation, or the meds, it’s hard to say. We’re hoping it is temporary, but we don’t know.
  • Despite all of this, my mom thought she would be able to go home. This was clearly not the best option in my opinion. She would require 24×7 home care. It would be quite expensive and not as good as having her stay at the nursing home as a private care patient so that she would get medical monitoring as well as having her meds administered.
  • I arranged a meeting with the house doctor, the social worker, the nursing unit administrator, and an occupational therapist who had just evaluated her. We agreed that an extension of her stay at the nursing home, was the best option. However, on the bright side, they thought she had made enough of an improvement so that she could be transferred to the assisted living wing of the facility. Hopefully, this will be just a transition period until she moves into an independent living apartment in an elder care facility. Otherwise, she will need to go to a more permanent assisted living or higher care facility, possibly in the same place as the independent living apartment into which she had hoped to be moving.
  • Next came a meeting I had dreaded - breaking the news to my mom. But, after a short discussion, she seemed to accept this strategy. I think she realized that going home, as attractive as it was to her, was just not realistic.

So, that’s where we stand. She is scheduled to be moved to the assisted living unit next Thursday and stay for a month. We’ll reevaluate at that time.

Like my dad, who battled tirelessly for 10 years against the ravages of a major stroke, my mom is fighting valiantly against this onslaught of medical problems. I’m descended from real fighters!

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A Prayer for a Graceful End

dd May 19th, 2007

Thomas Cole. The Voyage of Life: Old Age. 1842.

Recently I always repeat basically the same prayer in my head during our silent prayer intervals at Shabbat services. Part of it goes something like this:

Dear God, Please allow my mother (92) and my aunt (98) to live the rest of their days free of pain and anxiety. Let them play their end game gracefully.

My aunt continues to amaze everyone. She is still living by herself and managing most of the time despite failing eyesight and balance.

But, despite all my prayers, it looks like my mother will not have a peaceful conclusion to her life. For the past several months, she has been battling in this order:

  • congestive heart failure
  • spinal stenosis and compression fractures in her back from severe osteoporosis
  • bleeding ulcer

Any one of these would be bad enough, but when you combine them the suffering gets to be pretty bad. Her life has been a terrible journey from hospital to nursing home to home for a couple weeks and now back to the hospital and nursing home. She is in pain and she is tired. Despite all of this, she thinks she is going to go home soon. It’s not likely as currently she still needs 24×7 care. The much more likely scenario is she will remain in the nursing home for the foreseeable future as a private patient since Medicare will soon run out. At least this way, she’ll have continuous medical monitoring and also physical and occupational therapy. If miraculously, she improves then we can talk about her leaving for an assisted living facility.

This morning at services, I thought about Florence, a 91 year old member of our congregation we’ve come to know quite well in the last few years. She’s a lovely woman inside and out but she is dying of a brain tumor. However, at least so far she has been granted a very graceful exit. She is not in any pain and continues to live in her own home with the help of her daughter who moved here from Boston to look after her. She remains mentally alert and mobile. Florence is so fortunate that her journey had been bearable. Alas, that is not the case with my mother.

So, I am leaving for Detroit Tuesday because it’s been hard dealing long distance with her most recent problems (I was there in February too). I have other relatives in Detroit, but my brother (who moved away from Detroit many years ago as I did) and I are the decision makers and advisers. So, I want to see “ground truth” for myself but more importantly I want to be able to talk to my mother realistically about her options. This won’t be an easy conversation.

It can really suck getting old this way. I continue to pray for a better end game for my mother. Please join me - maybe she just needs a few more prayers.

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My 5 Questions

dd May 14th, 2007

Recently, Looking2Live challenged me to answer 5 questions and even threw in a Bonus. This one is making the rounds in Blogoville, but it’s a good Meme for sure and one that requires a bit of thought (compared to my usual post which I sort of throw against the wall and see how it splatters). So, here goes:

Q1: Should we have been better disciplinarians with our children? Would it really have made any difference?
A: Yes, I think we probably should have been a tiny bit stricter, but I don’t think it was a major failing. We also could have been more consistent in actually carrying out our threatened “punishments”. But, honestly, we have 2 really good kids and so I don’t think it would have made a real difference.

Q2: If you could change one thing that happened in your life to date, what would it be?
A: This is easy and I bet you would not have ever guessed it. I would not have planted those G-damn asparagus beds in the Spring of 1978. I was told to dig trenches at least a foot deep. Since I didn’t know what the h__ I was doing and our soil is rock solid clay, I really screwed myself. That’s how I injured my plantar fascia which made me stop playing softball and tennis and led to me injuring my back the next winter. I’ve been battling those injuries ever since, although for the past several years, I returned to tennis and took up biking. But, I lost a lot of years of fun, exercise and camaraderie due to my crazy notion of growing my own asparagus.

Q3: If you had become the doctor your mother had envisioned, what type of doctor would you be? Do you think you would be more or less happy than you are today?
A: First, it was not just my mother. My dad was a big Doctor pusher too. I think I would have been a dermatologist for several reasons:

  1. The only surgery they do is pretty minor and usually done in their offices
  2. They often get instant gratification. The patient’s problem is often fixed or at least treated during the initial visit.
  3. They would be among the least likely doc to get late night or weekend emergency calls.

Would I be happier today? That’s a very good and very hard question and almost impossible to really answer. It’s possible that during my working career, I might have been happier. And, certainly, I would have earned a lot more money. But, I’m not sure my retirement years would be happier. I like what I’m doing now and I’m not sure I would have developed the varied interests I currently cultivate.

Q4: If someone gave you $1 million, what would you do with it?
A: This question and the next one are my favorites. Here’s what I’d do with the million:

  • Travel, travel, travel
  • Set up a small trust fund for both kids
  • Donate 10% to Temple Micah and to Save Darfur

Q5: What are the 5 places you want to visit on upcoming trips in order of preference?
A: This is a hard one since there are many more places than 5 in my fantasies. But, here’s my best shot:

  1. South America - Chile/Argentina
  2. Greece/Turkey
  3. Russia
  4. Costa Rica
  5. Vieques, P.R.

Bonus Q: If you could be fluent in another language, which one would it be and why?

A: Another hard one in that there are 2 languages that immediately spring to mind - Hebrew and Spanish. But, if I have to pick one, it would have to be Hebrew. Reasons:

  • So, I could more easily translate the prayers we do in Hebrew and that we sing in Choir. And, so I could read the Bible easily in its original language
  • So, that on our next trip to Israel, I can actually converse in the native/mother tongue.

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What the H___ Am I Complaining About?

dd May 5th, 2007

Please excuse the “woe is me tone” of recent posts. Compared to many people, I have no reason at all to feel sorry for myself. I’m thinking particularly of Red Dirt Girl, whose blog many of you have feasted upon. Sadly, RDG is no longer “on the air”, since her hubby’s lawyer is using her blog in their divorce “battle” and custody fight. Now, those are real worries for sure.

So, please keep RDG in your prayers and thoughts as she goes through this ordeal. I know she will really appreciate it. She has written that she has found great solace from her blogging buddies. We all wish her the best and hope she can put all the ugliness behind her soon and get back to the Blogosphere.

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The Right Stress Balance

dd April 30th, 2007

So, as you may have gathered from some previous posts, I’ve been dealing with a few stressful family situations lately. Of course, we all know that we each control (or can try to) how our brains and hearts react to these sitatuions. I’ve always been the type that doesn’t react very well and have tended to let the stress-inducing situation get the better of me. The most recent manifestation has been my headaches. So, I started thinking about trying not to worry so much and chill out despite these stressing family problems. Easier said than done of course.

But, I also think there is a fine line between (a) letting such stress overtake you and (b) making yourself numb to stressful family problems/issues.

(a) Worrying too much can affect your health (certainly true in my case). This is the “make yourself sick with worry” approach. I think my mother is the all time champ here, but I’m probably not far behind.

(b) Not worrying “enough” may keep you healthy, but probably means you are not devoting enough time and energy to trying to help make the stressful situation better (if that’s possible) - this is the “head in the sand” approach.

So, I’m sending this question out to the blogosphere. How do you strike the right balance?

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Spring Has Sprung

dd April 27th, 2007

I’ve had this headache for a few weeks now. First, it was triggered by a new bike not configured properly which threw my neck and shoulders for a loop. But, I think that problem is solved. So, now I attribute the headache to the awful tree pollen around here and also the stress of dealing with family issues. I resumed the medication I had stopped several months ago and hopefully it will work its magic again. But, this afternoon, I just marveled at the beauty of Spring just outside my door. The azaleas and dogwoods are gorgeous, but so are our prized dogwoods (which are almost 30 years old now and were just wee little things when we first planted them). Enjoy the view:

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How Many Failed Cho?

dd April 22nd, 2007

Throughout his anguished life, Seung-Hui Cho slipped through way too many cracks and was failed by his parents, the school systems, our mental health system and ultimately VA Tech. He was such a troubled young person - his family recognized that at a very early age. He never even spoke to his own family. Educators - certainly those at VA Tech - knew he was seriously troubled and most likely a danger to himself and others. Yet, he continued attending the University without professional therapeutic help. Today’s New York Times reports that in 2005, he was sent to an off-campus mental health facility after reports of stalking. They declared him mentally ill, but allowed him to undergo outpatient treatment, which he most likely bagged. So, he returned to VA Tech. The rest is so very sadly, “history”.

What Cho did was heinous and indescribably terrible. Yet, I can’t help but think it could have been avoided if he had been given proper care and treatment for his mental illness. I don’t know if the proper meds or proper therapy could have helped him combat his illness and stay in school. Perhaps, he would have had to leave school.

Society failed Mr. Cho an in so doing, failed the victims and the families of the victims of his violent explosion. It should never have come to that.

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When You Wish Upon a Tree

dd April 21st, 2007

We’ve just suffered through a terrible week here in the U.S. and especially here in VA. A crazy act of random unexplained killings has left us all needing some relief and a cause for renewed hope. Just a few days before this awful tragedy at VA. Tech, Yoko Ono stopped through D.C to plant some wish trees and invite people

to write wishes on small pieces of paper and tie them to the branches of potted cherry trees. Ono has installed the trees in cities across the globe and says they were inspired by temple wish trees that she saw during her youth in Japan. (Wash Post, 4/3/07).

This is part of Ono’s “Imagine Peace” project - which makes you think of the irony of her husband and partner John Lennon also being killed by a troubled young man many years ago.

Anyway, Yoko has gone around the world planting her wish trees and is going to collect the messages that people write and assemble them into an “Imagine Peace Tower” later this year in Iceland. What a fabulous idea, don’t you think. The messages run the gamut from “Let’s cover the planet with our love and make it a peaceful world for all of us and our offsprings.” to “peace in Africa”, “an end to gang violence” “to get a promotion this year” to “please bring my daddy home”.

What would you wish for? Since this is a virtual wish tree, you can plant as many wishes as you want. Feel free to explain your wish if you want. Let’s fill up our tree.

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