A Prayer for a Graceful End
dd May 19th, 2007
Thomas Cole. The Voyage of Life: Old Age. 1842.
Recently I always repeat basically the same prayer in my head during our silent prayer intervals at Shabbat services. Part of it goes something like this:
Dear God, Please allow my mother (92) and my aunt (98) to live the rest of their days free of pain and anxiety. Let them play their end game gracefully.
My aunt continues to amaze everyone. She is still living by herself and managing most of the time despite failing eyesight and balance.
But, despite all my prayers, it looks like my mother will not have a peaceful conclusion to her life. For the past several months, she has been battling in this order:
- congestive heart failure
- spinal stenosis and compression fractures in her back from severe osteoporosis
- bleeding ulcer
Any one of these would be bad enough, but when you combine them the suffering gets to be pretty bad. Her life has been a terrible journey from hospital to nursing home to home for a couple weeks and now back to the hospital and nursing home. She is in pain and she is tired. Despite all of this, she thinks she is going to go home soon. It’s not likely as currently she still needs 24×7 care. The much more likely scenario is she will remain in the nursing home for the foreseeable future as a private patient since Medicare will soon run out. At least this way, she’ll have continuous medical monitoring and also physical and occupational therapy. If miraculously, she improves then we can talk about her leaving for an assisted living facility.
This morning at services, I thought about Florence, a 91 year old member of our congregation we’ve come to know quite well in the last few years. She’s a lovely woman inside and out but she is dying of a brain tumor. However, at least so far she has been granted a very graceful exit. She is not in any pain and continues to live in her own home with the help of her daughter who moved here from Boston to look after her. She remains mentally alert and mobile. Florence is so fortunate that her journey had been bearable. Alas, that is not the case with my mother.
So, I am leaving for Detroit Tuesday because it’s been hard dealing long distance with her most recent problems (I was there in February too). I have other relatives in Detroit, but my brother (who moved away from Detroit many years ago as I did) and I are the decision makers and advisers. So, I want to see “ground truth” for myself but more importantly I want to be able to talk to my mother realistically about her options. This won’t be an easy conversation.
It can really suck getting old this way. I continue to pray for a better end game for my mother. Please join me - maybe she just needs a few more prayers.
Keeping you and your mother tucked in my prayersleeve.
You and your family are certainly in my prayers.
I sympathize with you. My parents both succembed fairly quickly to cancer. Although that was not a good way to go, at least it was not prolonged. I can’t help but envision your mother confined to a bed with her mind in tact and her body completely failed. I don’t envy her or you because you will continue to feel her pain as long as she is alive. I pray for both of you.
Well, you’ve seen at least part of my story…
“I feel how weak and fruitless must be any words of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss”
but i will hope that these days will be fullfilling in some fashion and that you can find a way to Cherish the end game someday. Shalom.
Pauline, Looking and Steve - Thanks so much for your kind thoughts and prayers. It means a lot.
My thoughts and prayers are with both you and your mother as you soldier on in a difficult situation.
You’re on your way to Detroit right now. I’m sending good, clean love and lots of energy in your direction. I know this is going to be hard, but I also know you’ll do a great job deciding what to do next.
I love those Thomas Cole paintings. Have you ever gone to see them? They’re at the NGA.
Take good care!
Ruth - thanks for your thoughts and prayers
Reya - thanks for the love and energy. No, haven’t seen the paintings. will have to add to my to do list.
i’m not going to be able to access the internet much this week. i’m at whole foods for a few minutes - they have vfree wifi here
Today I finished making arrangements to be out for a long weekend to go out to Wyoming to visit my Uncle. Not only did an experimental treatment for his pancreatic CA not help, he’s developed some mets in his brain and having some problems with clarity. My Aunt medicates him to control his pain. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’d like to share some more time with him. When I pray, I’m asking for peace for him and his family. I also hope your trip went well.
Ulysses - I’m sure your uncle (and your aunt) will appreciate your visit tremendously. I just got home a few hours ago from my trip. It went a bit better than I expected. I’ll post something in the next couple of days. I empathize completely and share your prayer. See you soon.